missing angels

there isn't a day that i don’t think about the people that have left this worldly planet and journeyed to heaven. sometimes it comes in waves ya know? some days it smacks you in the face and you’re sitting in a trader joes parking lot crying— it happens. its ok, but its also really freaking hard. have you noticed that it always happen at the craziest times? i feel like in simple moments i’m always trying to sense signs from my angels above but i guess they don’t really work that way.

the other day i went to trader joes and there was a massive amount of these pretty plants (pictured above) and it reminded me so deeply of my bubbi cruz’s house. suddenly i could just smell her sweet perfume and feel her sweet hugs wrap around me, her vanity next to her bed, her bedspread where i once took so many naps next to her, the yellow paint in her living room that hung dozens of pictures of me. i felt the little tears swell up in my eyes. so i ended up buying one and it just made me feel weirdly closer to her. later that night i watched one of her all time favorite movies, shawshank redemption.

and i heard a joke the other day, so wildly inappropriate and i couldn’t help myself from laughing out loud. those jokes where you can’t help but laugh because you know they are so wrong. instantly, i thought to myself, “i can’t wait to tell ben this (my late cousin).” and then remembered i couldn’t. but somehow i knew that benjo purposely put that joke into the world to make me laugh.

i thought about how close i am to graduating and it made me sad that i couldn’t share those moments with those people. the ones that passed before i got a chance to know them, and the ones who i had created so many memories with. it’s hard not to question why God would take these precious people when He did, it seems like sometimes their life wasn't even finished. it’s a hard idea to wrestle with, and i find myself just going in circles.

i guess i just have to find my heavenly signs in the most earthly ways. like when the sun kisses my skin, when new flowers bloom, birds singing in the mornings, good and hard belly laughs, and really good hugs. anyways, we all struggle with grief in our own ways. there is no right way to grieve those who have gone, but i hope you find comfort in the ways that work for you.

thanks for readin’

x,

gab